You Might Also Like
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.