terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
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それは草
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Does beer think about me too?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I love you to the refrigerator and back
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead