Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it