If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
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Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.