“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.