Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
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“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent