[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me: