someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
You Might Also Like
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Just so funny