Do you want to taunt a snowman?
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ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”