My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
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“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
❤️❤️❤️
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
waiting for halloween be like:
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.