FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Meeeee too!
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?