Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
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me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is