When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
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Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good