“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
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“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.