The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
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I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I can fix him.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)