Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.