Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
You Might Also Like
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Mornin
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair