Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
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#JohnTravolta
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.