Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.