I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…