Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
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I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon