[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
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Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
And that about sums it up.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES