[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY