*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
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Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book