I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.