Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
#polloftheday
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.