The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.