me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are