If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
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Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney