Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
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I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.