I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles