two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
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Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.