They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
You Might Also Like
favorite tropes as memes
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.