I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”