Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
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“You’d better run, egg!”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Never forget.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.