GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
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I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
jesus christ confetti not now