My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
me after eating Cheetos
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.