I miss this era type of pranks😭
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Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then