[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”