I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
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I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
where the womens at?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.