I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
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My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
The old gods are rising again.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[ going out ]
wife: you鈥檙e wearing that?
me: i guess not
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they鈥檙e so good at hiding
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I am officially off the market馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye