HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Something Saturday.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.