My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Boating season is upon us.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
🤣🤣🤣
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.