As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Accurate
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd