not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
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Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My dress code is business-casualty.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Match dot com, but for socks.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.