[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Best spot.. 😅
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Said the murderer.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs