Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
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[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.