Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
You Might Also Like
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“I wouldn’t.”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?