FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
This fish is cracking me up
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?