Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
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I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I have a new favorite meme page
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?